Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resolutions, Smesolutions

I get it. It's a new year. Time to start anew, relfect, refresh, revive. Time to let go of the old and embrace the new.   Why don't people do this on their birthday? Is it not your own personal anniversary? Why not every Martin Luther King Jr. day?  Did he not encourage self reflection and change? Why is it that some people go on this "New Year, New Me" kick every single fucking year only for 99% of them to be right back where they started?

"Man, you know it's MLK day, I need to make some changes in my life." --Seems strange doesn't it?
Why don't you stop eating 2 Big Macs a sitting because that shit isn't good for you?  Why don't you stop fucking every dude you meet because HIV is real?  Why don't you treat your kids better because they deserve it?  I just don't get it.
Ok, maybe if you are doing shit like this, you need to make changes TODAY, like right-fucking-now.
 This time of year, all I want is to be with the people I love most and enjoy the shit out of the time I spend with them. I want to smile in their faces until mine falls off.  All I am saying is that 2012 better get ready for me.  Because I'm going to be the same cool, silly, hard-working, honest, loving person I've been all year long.  If I chose to change something about my appearance, lifestyle, or attitude, I will make sure that it is beacuse it needs to happen, not because I had to buy a new calendar.Have a happy fucking new year everyone.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Things My Kids Took From Me and I Will Most Likely Never Get Back.

1.    My Carpet
If I put a tarp the size of Paul Brown Stadium under the dinnertable, painting center, Play-Dough fun area, they still manage to get shit ev-er-ry-where.  It literally feels sticky in some places and no carpet cleaner commercial or otherwise can save me.  Sad part is that 50% of the stains probably contain DNA. 
 7 year old girls and nail polish. DON"T DO IT!

2.       My 12 Year Old Dogs Mental Health

Someone tell me why after my kids were born we had to put the damn dog on anti-depressants.   She started losing her hair in patches. We actually started going grey simultaneously. They pulled her tail and tried to ride her even though she only weighed 9 lbs. They also like put devil ears on her for Halloween. She kept ramming her head into the wall in an attempt to get them off and my kids suggested we glue the damn ears on. Gah.

3.       Over 1,000 Morning Nuts

No matter how late I keep my kids up, they wake up at the ass-crack of dawn.  I put them to sleep at 5:45AM once only for them to wake up at 7:00AM asking if they can ride bikes. It was 12 degrees out.  And when I am trying to get my early morning lovin' in, it never seems to fail that they bang on the door asking if they have school on Saturday morning. Look at the fucking calendar! 

4.       My Couth

Now I know when you are delivering your baby the doctors attempt to maintain your dignity when they really took it the moment you checked-in.  You have your vaj on full display in front of total strangers.  But also it’s your ass. And not just the cheeks either….. The hole, hemorrhoids, and all. You think that would be enough. But no the kids keep on taking…. I used to look at women screaming in the store, slamming on breaks and doing a down the row slap in the back seat, and the ones who just seemed to “snap off” for no apparent reason. Well let’s just say, I am that lady now and I can get the back seat row slap in before the final kid has time to flinch… and I double-dare a passerby to say a damn thing.  
Don't you fuckin wish....

5.   My Ability to Give a Shit
You fell and scratched your knee??? Awww…. Are you dying? Do you need a blood transfusion? Get a Band-Aid and get lost. And if we don’t have Band-Aids you better get your ass some tape and toilet paper and leave me alone. Dexter is on the TV and for the next hour, I have nothing to say unless you need a ride to the hospital. Shhhhh! X-rays can wait.  
I also very often charge a gulp tax on any child who asks me to open their Capri-Sun, even though it only has 2 gulps in it.  Don’t care. Learn to open that shit yourself. I have stabbed myself over 200 times in the finger with a yellow straw; I’m taking a fucking drink dammit.  

I know baby, they won't shut up. You have room on your boat for 3 more?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Rick Perry: Just Because He Speaks Well and Wears a Suit Doesn’t Mean He is Not a Redneck!

Niggerhead?  Really, this is the name of the ranch you chose to buy and bring your friends to while you were in office in Texas? Some hunting ranch with a big ole rock with Niggerhead painted on it?  You let it continued to be called it Niggerhead? And you are still lying about it? At some point in the life of this hunting estate, I speculate they actually hunted "Nee'gruhs."  Somebody get me my damn baby powder, because I am ready to drive to Texas in a diaper and slap a stupid son of a bitch.
Hey, Tea Partiers, this is your guy!
This guy is running for office…for fucking President. Not assistant white house toilet scrubber or invitation writer. This guy wants to run the entire damn free world!  He has a well documented  tolerance of hatred among his family, friends, and supporters.  He has fought the NAACP to have confederate flags removed from state buildings in Texas.  There were no significant battles fought there.  I could see if his great-grandpappy died in battle trying to keep the "Nee'gruhs" in their place. That would make a little more sense. When establishing the confederacy in Texas, the government of the time cited the following as their reasoning:  
"We hold as undeniable truths that the governments of the various States, and of the confederacy itself, were established exclusively by the white race, for themselves and their posterity; that the African race had no agency in their establishment; that they were rightfully held and regarded as an inferior and dependent race, and in that condition only could their existence in this country be rendered beneficial or tolerable." —Secession Convention, "A Declaration of the Causes which Impel the State of Texas to Secede from the Federal Union 
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. This guys is one of his followers!
  Is this is what Rick Perry wants to uphold…..heritage?   This bull shit? This self-righteous sack of shit has mentioned succession in 2009 at a GOP Debate AKA Tea Party Rally no-fucking-less.  Let's not forget the Tea Baggers, Um, I mean Partiers, applauded at a hypothetical 30 year old man dying in a coma so they don't have to use their tax dollars to help him.  Not that I agree with all of Obama’s policies, I do like some of his better policies like repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the  American Jobs Act that's attempting to get more American’s working and inevitably spending more money…However, these rich folks are so mad and all in a tizzy to get the black guy out, they are willing to use this FUCKING ASSHOLE, Rick Perry, to win. This guy has rednecks like him and rich people so scared of big government that they are willing to give him a blow job on national television at 8:00 pm if it gets Obama out of office. Some will vote for him because they think it will save them some money. Most of the rednecks in America will vote for him well; because he is a redneck. While this redneck in a suit goes around talking about how well the Texas economy is doing, did he mention that if the last two of your stank ass teeth were on the verge of  falling out, his state health insurance is one of the shittiest in the nation? Do you think he told his fellow rednecks that  his state leads the nation in the number of uninsured residents, has the 3rd lowest percentage of people covered by their employers, and spends less per captia than all but one other state on Medicaid??? Hell no, he didn't tell your stupid ass that.  Did he mention that while his  economy is so great that he has the largest percentage of minimum wage jobs in the nation?  Imagine how your lil ass personal economy is going to do on $7.25 an hour.

But naw, go-on-head and vote for that stupid ass mother fucker who is literally going to bend us over spit on our asshole and fuck us raw if he gets in office. And just guess who will come out with more money than Oprah when it is all over?  Not you Mr. Redneck, and not me either. The rich people who were already rich will be richer, and the economy will be "repaired" but at what cost?  How do you feel about eating Ramen Noodles for dinner 3 times a week for the next 4-8 years? How do you feel about not getting your rot-mouth fixed until his term is up?  How would you feel if your relative was put in prison solely on eye-witness testimony and circumstantial evidence and put to death? The polls as of last week have this guy right behind Mitt Romney.  I think it is a sad day in this country when we have a racists and an adulterer as front runners for the GOP.  I guess I'd rather have an adulter than a racist. He was just getting some ass, that's human, and I can respect that. At least he came out and said he was fucking that chick, even made an honest woman out of her and married her.  But being a lying ass, closet racist, stupid fuck, bastard....Not cool Perry, not cool.
Yeeeee muther fuuuckin hawwww! I'm Rick Perry, I'm a racist idiot who took talks about small government while making millions off of my own! Vote for me!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Don't Let Me Go Out Like That!

I was watching a TV show the other day where this chick died and her family had to go to her house and get rid of some of her things that they didn't want the police to find during the investigation of her death. This chick was messed up so they were hiding her stash of Meth and cleaning out rancid food out of the fridge. But it left the question, what would people have to hide if I died? What would I not want my parents, my kids, or the police to find in my house before my funeral?

I have complied a list of things that in the off chance something happens to me, those who love me know what to get before it all goes down:

Yes, it's just as fun as it looks!
 1. Please get my personal toy arsenal.  I dont' really use them that much anymore but they have sentimental value to me.  I still don't want the police to find my 8" medical grade silicone strap-on, 4 silver bullets (Hey, a girl can never have to many battery operated boyfriends), dongs, whips, blindfolds, or "costumes." They would automatically assume I was involved in some undercover prostitution ring and immediately head off in the wrong direction during the investigation of my murder.

2.  Someone please go through my cell phone and delete all sexually suggestive text messages and nude photos.  I am sure you are going to be surprised at my flexibility and the way I use phrases like, "let's engage in cunnilingus",  and make them sound sexy...but please resist the urge to forward them to yourself for posterity and just delete the shit.

3. Please for the love of God, get the snacks out of the drawer beside my bed. I have honey buns, lbs of candy, and I think there is even an old piece of chocolate cake in there. I don't want people to think I'm a fatty. I don't eat it all in one night most days, I just like my favorite things close to me.

3. Get my "tray" and "cigars." Nuff Said.

4. Most importantly, get my journal. Not because I have deep thoughts or secrets that I don't want to share. As you can see, sharing my thoughts comes naturally. It does however, have a lot of shit in there where I talk about other people. A lot.  So whoever gets it, you better have thick skin and know that I love you. That's why I didn't tell you I think that you are stupid. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's Too Damn Hot for All That....

So we got what we were asking for here in Ohio.  Generally, it stays frigid here until the end of March so people were on their knees praying to Baby Jesus asking him for relief from the snow and ice...Well are you happy now?? Fuckers??? I'm sweating like Mel Gibson at a Bat Mitzvah! The heat index at noon was 115 degrees. Which is a combination of the actual temp combined with Satan's toe jam, sweat of 49 fat bitches, Sherman Clump, and the humidity.  Needless to say it's fucking HOT. 

With that being said, I have seen some things recently that need to stop. 

1. Uggs and Shorts:  Bitch, are you serious?  Anything with fur on them are a no-go. Just stop it, wait until Fall and pull them fucking ugly ass boots back out of your closet. 

Let me clarify.....Men this includes you:  No fucking boots PERIOD. White people, hate us if you must, but keep those damn Nazi combat boots put away this week. Niggas and my nillas, no Tims..... nothing. Keep that shit in your damn closet.  The weight of the boots combined with the sweat will make your feet swell up faster than Kim Kardashian's lips after botox. 

Timbo Toe...Stay out the Tims fellas!
2.  Shave or wax your snatch before you go to the pool.  "Oh My God, I think I found Steve Harvey's toupee!"  Nope, that's just someone's hairy box... and thigh...Ew.

Fellas, again this includes you. Just because you don't worry about your thigh hair, you may want to take care of your hairy ass back before you go hoop down at the park...You go to make a layup and your Sasquatch ass back hair whipping dudes in the face... Not cool, man. Not cool.

3. The sun intensifies the effect of alcohol.  I repeat, sun intensifies the effect of alcohol. So take it easy Betty Ford....a few beers are just fine.  Now, 5 beers, 3 shots, and some Kahlua between the hours of 2-5pm? Not a good mix...Well, actually that is great vomit mix.  And usually a good way to act like an asshole at your grandma's 90'th birthday party this Saturday.  You don't want to wake up in the yard at 11 pm wondering where your day went.   No one is telling you not to drink just find some shade or do that shit from your couch. Save yourself the embarrassment and the people around you from having to watch you trying to dance with your Grandma to Khia's My Neck, My Back. Not a good look.

This is you on alcohol when it's 4 million degrees out.
Just use some common sense.  It's hot dammit. Every time I walk outside I feel like I'm fighting with two squirrels in a wool sock over one fucking nut.  If you aren't sure if what you are doing is asinine, ask a friend, if you're friends lead you astray...drop em like they're hot.  With this weather, should be pretty easy.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Rodney King Arrested. Again. Evidently, the Brain Damage Was a Little More Extensive Than We Originally Thought.

The above article explains how Rodney King was arrested sometime last night for driving while intoxicated. Police don't know if he was drunk or high on drugs but the mug shot pretty much speaks for itself.
He looks high as hell! Got the geeker face going hard right now.
Now, most of us remember the Rodney King beating from 1991.  This man got his ass beat, ripped off, then handed back to him in 1991.  Four cops beat the shit out of him because they were pissed off they had to do their jobs:  drive in their cars and follow him through San Fernando Valley during a high speed chase.  As we now know, they beat him long after he was subdued and caused skull fractures and brain damage. The cops were acquitted which is what sparked the riots that caused 55 deaths and $1 billion in damage to the city of LA. 

King in 1991 after the beating

As I was 11 in 1991, I didn't pay attention to the details of the trial. I just saw people acting a fool in LA pulling poor Reginald Denny out of the cab of his truck and beating the shit out of him, moms stealing diapers from grocery stores, and dudes running out of busted storefronts with two TVs in a shopping cart.  Those people were pissed and they were not playing around, they almost burned the hood to the ground.

I just found out today that this stupid ass muther fucker got $3.8 million dollars in damages from the city of LA. Did you hear me????  For those not so good at math, that is 3 million 800 thousand dollars! Now, the article also says this mutha fucka just got pulled over in a 1994 Mitsubishi. Did you hear me??? 1994! What the hell?  I know he had trouble with the law before, obviously during, and after this incident.  He even went on Celebrity Rehab. But FUCK dude, you got $3.8 mil in the early 90's and you're driving a Mitsubishi???  Now I know he sustained brain damage and I know his lawyers got a third of his money but still that still left this fool with about $2.5 million.  This nigga is driving a 1994 Mitsufuckinbishi. Did someone not teach him how to invest?  Hell, he should have bought a few stocks in Apple or something. Jesus take the wheel because this man has no idea what he is doing.  Save him!! I know him getting arrested is supposed to be the point of the article but I can't help keeping thinking about all the money he went through.  He didn't even have any anniversary specials on TV.  No book deal or anything. Somebody get this stupid ass an agent.

One good thing I can say that he learned was not to run from the police.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sexless in the City

Single life means not having to say I’m sorry unless I give a shit.  It means I don’t have to call anyone when I get up, on my lunch break, on my way home, after dinner,  or before bedtime.  I get to eat the biggest piece of chicken.   I sleep in the middle of my bed.   I can watch PBS all day if I want to.  I don’t even have to be covert when I need to fart. I just let ‘er rip.  Simply put, it’s just me and my gaggle of heathens.  They know my farts stink.
I have been single for almost a year now and I’m OK with it.  Well, that is what I keep telling myself. I’m not out patrolling bars begging men to come home with me or flashing dudes for beads. I stopped asking my gynecologist if he was still married a few years ago.  I don’t make up shit about myself so you think I’m worthy of your time.  If you don’t like me, then fuck you.  It’s not meant to be anyway. But there is also something to be said about having someone there to count on, share with, return love. Most importantly, someone  to provide butt in the gut time after the kids go to bed.  I truely miss it.
Me being single isn’t because I don’t have options, and it’s not by choice.  I just feel like I don’t have good options. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. I say the sea is actually a dirty fucking mud puddle and 85% of the fish are retarded from the lack of oxygen. The sea dried up years ago.  I have been on dates and even met some cool people, but for whatever reason things didn’t work out. Now that I am 30 I find myself looking for someone who can do more than buy me a drink and rock my world. I know I am not perfect by any means. However, I don’t nag, steal, cheat (exception: Monopoly), or excessively lie. I do sometimes borrow and take too long to return (ask Blockbuster), I bash food like a competitive eater, and I am obsessive about the cleanliness of my home.  But I’m also pretty, optimistic, witty, I try to take care of my body, my kids, and my home. I have my own money and I’m educated. If we make plans to go out in your 1985 Fiero, I promise there is room for me and my ego.  
See, there is room for all 3 of us; you, me, and my ego.
 That being said, I’ve ran into really, really small pensises, bad attitudes, people who think I am property, people who think I am stupid, people who think the world owes them something, people who just want to fuck,  people who want to use my money,liars, theives, and my personal favorite a dickhead who after meeting him once constantly asked for a back rub, constantly.  I told him back rubs lead to nudity and he would have to earn his. Plus, can this bitch get a back rub first? 
What I want to know is; where are all the real men at? The one’s who work hard, play hard, and know what a woman wants?
For the record we, I really mean I:
1.      Want you to be employed …anywhere….as long as you are on someone’s payroll you are cool with me. And it can’t be SSA  or OWF. THAT DOES NOT COUNT.

2.       Want you to be self sufficient and be able to get your own oil changed…and change mine while you are at it.

3.       Want you to be reliable. This encompasses a few aspects, but I need to rely on you to do what you say and say what you mean.  This also encompasses my need to rely on your ability to get ‘er wet and get ‘er done. Nuff said.  

4.       Want you to be hygienic. Daily showers are a plus.  (I once dated a guy for a few weeks who didn’t wash his hands, he claimed showers were sufficient) Also, shaving is underrated. 5 o’clock shadows are sexy.  Fortnight shadows are not.
This is Joaquin's fortnight shadow and his drug induced sense of euphoria.
5.       Want you to be romantic and this does not mean offering to “go to the buffet “before you ask for a BJ.  

6.       Want you to have a personality. This doesn’t include constantly rambling on and on about your racks on racks on racks, how you are Polo’ed down, how much weed you sold last night. Tell me what you saw on History Channel last night, your vast of knowledge state birds, maybe about the last time you left Ohio (If you haven’t left, you have way more issues than I can address here), or just about your day at work.

Tell me, what is wrong with this picture?
7.       Want you to be emotionally stable. This is last mentioned but one of the most important. I can’t stand to see a man cry unless someone died (dogs are OK, cats are not. If you are a man with a cat that you did not inherit in some way, kill yourself). There are of course exceptions to this rule, but if you have think you have testes, own a cat,  and you cry more than once a month, get checked. You may actually have ovaries, a vagina, and a cat. Fits of rage are not okay and if you have anything diagnosed in the DSM-IV, GO AWAY. I have been there before and honestly making sure you take your medication and go to therapy is more effort than I have to give.  
 My mom says I am looking in the wrong place. She says I need to go to church and find me a, “Good, clean, man.” I don’t think that is exactly what I am looking for either, I like my men like Reese Cups.  Rugged on the outside and soft in the middle.  There has to be a grey area, right???  Someone let me know where it is, because I am going there Saturday night.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Apparently, I Am Too Vulgar...

So I was looking around for an ad network for my blog yesterday. I checked out Adsense through Google and apparently my use of profane language makes my blog ineligible for their services. For those who don't know Adsense is basically a program through Google that puts up relevant ads on your blog and pays you for them. It's like someone really gives you a penny for your thoughts! Well, I even checked out a few other ad networks and I am waiting on word back, but it isn't looking good.  The only other alternative I am aware of is to use ad networks used on porn websites. 

I decided yesterday I would post a blog with no profanity.  Seems simple enough huh? For those who don't know me personally I can use fuck in a sentence 4 times and it will make sense. For example, fuck these stupid fucking Adsense fuckers who don't know a good fucking blog from a hole in their fucking ass. See, I got 5 in! It's just who I am, that's how I talk at work, at home, in traffic, at the grocery store.  I once said fuck in a demonstration speech when I was at the University of Dayton and still got a B. So,  I got to work and not only did I write a blog with no profanity, it actually made sense! However, it was boring as fuck.  I even fell asleep typing it. There was no life in it.  I kept asking myself, "What are you a girl or somethin??"  I love saying what I mean and meaning what I say.  I don't want to have to censor myself for the fucking man.  Fuck the man....Right???

I'm fucked. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Wrong Website Asshole

Hate to admit it, but I am "Phishing."  I got tired of the creeps that I was meeting at random and thought I would give it a try. I haven't found anyone on the site recently worth mentioning but I have been on it for a few months now.  I generally just browse. If I see a guy who has his shit together, is sexy, and doesn't have a photo of himself at a club with not one but two bitches (WTF is that about anyway), then I may inbox him. Since I've been on Plenty of Fish, I've found that combo is relatively impossible. So for the most part,  I am usually just browsing or responding to emails that I have received. 

Flave's and Whoopi's Love Child
Hey men! The following is for your own personal information. Most women who respect themselves will not respond to messages like, "Dam, you s3xy," "When we fuckin," " I like to take it slow and don't want to meet in person for awhile, we can just text," and my personal favorite, "It would be my duty to please that chocolate booty." Just sayin', I know it's quote from Shaft and it made me giggle, but that's not gonna cut it. And for God's Sake, please learn how to spell. If you ask me my name, it means you didn't even read my damn profile. However,  I WILL respond to, "Wow, I read your profile. tif, you are beautiful, funny, and smart.  I'd love to get to know you." Now that gets a response every time even if you look like the love child of Flava Flave and Whoopi Goldberg. I'm not gonna go out to Olive Garden and eat spaghetti a la Lady and the Tramp with you, but I will thank you for your time and effort and let you down with ease. 

Now a little background .... On part of my profile I said VERBATIM, "I don't discriminate based on race, creed, or religion...but if you tell me you like Donald Trump or Sarah Palin or even use the word tea or party in the same sentence (unless you are a girl under 7), keep it moving. And it's not an Obama thing either, I was this  *holds fingers close* this close to voting for Hillary in the primaries, I just don't want to be hanging out with a self-righteous republican."

I check my messages over the weekend and this is what I get from this chubby, short-ass (love me a tall man) 33 year old white guy from St. Mary's whose screen name is Mudlover77 (Mudlover??? Does that mean you like doing it in the butt??)
 "It's Really Frustrating that blacks vote for the party that has worked so hard to destroy the black family. I thought we could get along til that point. If you want a government that kills jobs keep voting left." 
Mudlover....Is that  you?
WTF?? I thought this was a dating site since when did Fox News start editing  POF?  My response was:

"I have a great job. I also think opinions are lot like assholes, we all have one and yours kinda stinks....good thing I don't care about your ass huh?  I'm gonna be so lost in the world knowing you don't approve of my personal political decisions. It's not the taxes I abhor, it's how they crush the little guy to make a buck. This is a dating website, if you want to spout off your political opinion, get a blog, or a life for that matter. Good luck in your search!"  
Get along??? Like I care? What the hell is wrong with people? It's a dating site, if you don't like what I have to say, just keep it moving dickhead.  He isn't the guy for me anyway, he obviously doesn't know how to follow directions. Next!!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

You Know You Had Too Much to Drink Last Night When...

You wake up with your hair all over your head through no one's fault other than your own and a bed full of Dorito crumbs.

Just sayin'.

Friday, June 24, 2011

I'll Be Damned, I Ain't Going Out Like That

Above is a video of a 10 year old jackass going off on his mom.  He apparently felt disrespected and actually slapped her when he felt she wasn't listening. Do you know what this little fucker had the nerve to ask her after he slapped the shit out his Momma?  "How does that feel!!!???" What-in the-fuck???  Now I know mom was on national TV so she couldn't have DDT'ed him in front of 40 million viewers. That being said, ain't nan nutta nan way in hell one of my kids would have gotten away with that.  All I would have said after that is, "Where is my baby powder? (links were added to assist those who don't understand my "urban" references.)

Ezekiel 25:17

If I was sitting with President Obama, the First Lady, his daughters, and their dog Bo, I would have snatched off that microphone, grabbed him up and struck down upon him "with great vengeance and furious anger" with a punch to the chest. Then I'd follow up with shaking his ass like a fucking 2-liter.  He would have been cockeyed until after he graduated high school. Shit, my grandbabies would have been cockeyed.  And that was only in the presence of The Head of State.  After I got home, I would have literally slapped that boy every 2.5 minutes for the rest of his life asking him, " How does that feel, you little fucker??" I would strategically go through his belongings and take everything I ever bought him and give it to some other kid and then go to the thrift store by him two outfits that don't match and are two sizes too small. I'd make him wear that shit to school every day so other kids can slap the shit out of him too.

Now, I didn't see the full episode and I know some of you bleeding hearts are like he probably has some deep seeded issues.  Well my kids know what it is like to not really see their dad, been through tough separations, death, poverty, lived in the hood, have ADHD, allergies, and asthma. Hell, my son could barely talk until he was 3. I'd still be DAMNED if one of them ever raise their hand to hit me.  Ever.  I ain't going out like that.

What the hell is wrong with parents? What the hell is wrong with society now that we feel guilty to tear that ass up when it's obviously necessary? Too many moms have been chided for scolding their children in the grocery store and now no one wants to deal with their kids in public.  While I am not the mom who smacks her kid in the mouth for touching a candy bar in the checkout line; I AM that mom who will trip a kid (mine or or anyone else's for that matter) for running down the aisle of the frozen food section screaming I want Toaster Strudel. 

There is a fine line here and I believe I am on right side.  All you soft ass parents come join me. Think about it, all these bad ass kids are going to be the ones wiping our asses in another 50 or 60 years. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Get Yo Drank on to Get Yo Freak On...

I recently read an article that said 1 in 20 women has NEVER had sex sober because of body confidence issues.

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What??? Never???  Now I have had some drunken sexual experiences and they can be quite fun. It does relax you some if you are nervous, and definitely tends to lead to lesser inhibitions; but to be intoxicated every time you have sex? Sometimes fucking while drunk (from this point referred to as F.W.D.) can be a little too much though. All that hopping around, bouncing, shaking, rocking, biting, and choking (too much???) with a belly full of vomit mix isn't always a good thing. I just wonder if you have to rile yourself up and psych yourself out to do it, doesn't that mean you probably shouldn’t be doing it? Is the alcohol just shutting up that little bitch inside our head? I know on most days I want to wrap her up in duct tape and throw her in a shallow grave. But that bitch is in there for a reason right?

The article also explains that women F.W.D. to suppress body confidence issues. I mean if the guy is in bed with you and his penis is erect, doesn't that mean he is attracted to you or at least your nether-regions?  And what happened to dimming the lights?  Why you gotta get shit-faced? If anything, get him shit-faced. Doesn't that make more sense?  Most importantly, how is a woman going to let someone else's view of her control what she sees in the mirror? What did Kat Williams say? "BITCH it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU ? ...Simple Bitch!" 

All I know is that I may not look like a model, I may have wrinkles that aren't even on my face, and I may have a stretch mark or 7, but GOT DAMMIT, I am sexy and no one can tell me that I'm not. There is something about the female form that everyone can appreciate. While some like women smaller some like them larger, if you have tits, an ass, and something to put a dick in, there is a man out there for you!  Find the right man instead of finding the right combination of courage and alcohol. Men love confidence (as long as your head can still fit in the door) and if you are so self conscious put the damn drink down and pick up some weights or do a sit up!

I have to admit, I am what you would call sexually liberated. I like all kinds of sex all times of day, especially in the morning. I can't be getting all intoxicated before work or right before I take my kids to daycare. I'd rather go to work panting, with a slight limp, and matted hair than breathing the smell of Crown Royal in a co-worker's face. So before you F.W.D. think about what the hell you are doing and why you are doing it. If it is to cover up some reality or make you feel like a porn star, then maybe you should see a therapist, or even simpler, just join a gym, and watch a couple of pornos.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bouncing on Tables and Right Off the Tip of My Foot After I Kick You in The Ass

One of my oldest friends Zach has a new girlfriend, Misty. She has two kids Devon and Danika.  They are great kids and close in age to my youngest two, Julian (age 7) and Jazlyn (age 6).  Needless to say we have lots of play dates where the kids bounce off the walls and she and I spend a lot of time gossiping. 

The other day, while Misty and I were upstairs talking, the kids were out in the backyard pouncing and bouncing on something that sounded like it wasn't about to survive their merrymaking. Irritated that I had to stop discussing the intricacies of good oral sex and how we decide who has to sleep on the wet spot; and just being the type of parent that I am, I stick my head out of my bedroom window and say, " If you don't stop it RIGHT NOW, I am going to snap your arms off and beat you with them!!"

Devon and Danika look up at me mortified.  My little heathens, who probably inspired the entire jump fest, begin to slowly back away from the teeny tiny fisher price table they were jumping up and down on.  My kids knew I meant business, to get the fuck off the thing before they broke it, or worse broke the ledge my last nerve was hanging on.  They know if they have pissed me off to the point I am actually leaving my conversation, going downstairs, out into the hot ass backyard, then it is alllll bad. They did not want me to show my crazy face to their new friends.

Most people who know me know that I would never actually hit my kids with their own arms. Hell, I could go to jail for that. Now, with a shoe or a toy I just stepped on….. Maybe. But it's rare I spank my kids. I must've done a really good job once scaring the shit out of them when they were little. I got so worked up by this smackdown, that I guess I blocked the memory out. The point is, they remember. They know the millisecond I show that don't fuck with me or imma punch you in the throat look, they take it down a notch.

So then, Devon looks over at my son, Julian, and asks after a loud gulp, "She's gonna rip our arms off ???" Julian says, "Nah, Devon, she won't. Don't worry, she always tells us she is going to poke us in the eye or whatever. She once told me if I spill my food in the backseat of her Jeep, she'd set me ablaze. Did you hear me??? She said she would set me on fire man!!! But don't worry, she always forgets."

At least they know me as well as I know them. This way, there are no surprises.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Just a little about myself....

Never blogged, ever. However, I happen to be what I call a chain-thinker... I can start off thinking about one thing as simple as mayonnaise and then end up thinking about chicken farms.  It's a simple leap honestly. Mayo makes me think of sandwiches, I had a really good chicken salad sandwich the other day, then I remembered how hot it is outside and sometimes how it's too hot to eat things with mayo on them, then to how those poor chickens would feel in such heat... and there you have it.... I arrived at chicken farms...

My point  is that now I have a place to put all these random thoughts, chain or otherwise.  I hope you enjoy.