Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Apparently, I Am Too Vulgar...

So I was looking around for an ad network for my blog yesterday. I checked out Adsense through Google and apparently my use of profane language makes my blog ineligible for their services. For those who don't know Adsense is basically a program through Google that puts up relevant ads on your blog and pays you for them. It's like someone really gives you a penny for your thoughts! Well, I even checked out a few other ad networks and I am waiting on word back, but it isn't looking good.  The only other alternative I am aware of is to use ad networks used on porn websites. 

I decided yesterday I would post a blog with no profanity.  Seems simple enough huh? For those who don't know me personally I can use fuck in a sentence 4 times and it will make sense. For example, fuck these stupid fucking Adsense fuckers who don't know a good fucking blog from a hole in their fucking ass. See, I got 5 in! It's just who I am, that's how I talk at work, at home, in traffic, at the grocery store.  I once said fuck in a demonstration speech when I was at the University of Dayton and still got a B. So,  I got to work and not only did I write a blog with no profanity, it actually made sense! However, it was boring as fuck.  I even fell asleep typing it. There was no life in it.  I kept asking myself, "What are you a girl or somethin??"  I love saying what I mean and meaning what I say.  I don't want to have to censor myself for the fucking man.  Fuck the man....Right???

I'm fucked. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Wrong Website Asshole

Hate to admit it, but I am "Phishing."  I got tired of the creeps that I was meeting at random and thought I would give it a try. I haven't found anyone on the site recently worth mentioning but I have been on it for a few months now.  I generally just browse. If I see a guy who has his shit together, is sexy, and doesn't have a photo of himself at a club with not one but two bitches (WTF is that about anyway), then I may inbox him. Since I've been on Plenty of Fish, I've found that combo is relatively impossible. So for the most part,  I am usually just browsing or responding to emails that I have received. 

Flave's and Whoopi's Love Child
Hey men! The following is for your own personal information. Most women who respect themselves will not respond to messages like, "Dam, you s3xy," "When we fuckin," " I like to take it slow and don't want to meet in person for awhile, we can just text," and my personal favorite, "It would be my duty to please that chocolate booty." Just sayin', I know it's quote from Shaft and it made me giggle, but that's not gonna cut it. And for God's Sake, please learn how to spell. If you ask me my name, it means you didn't even read my damn profile. However,  I WILL respond to, "Wow, I read your profile. tif, you are beautiful, funny, and smart.  I'd love to get to know you." Now that gets a response every time even if you look like the love child of Flava Flave and Whoopi Goldberg. I'm not gonna go out to Olive Garden and eat spaghetti a la Lady and the Tramp with you, but I will thank you for your time and effort and let you down with ease. 

Now a little background .... On part of my profile I said VERBATIM, "I don't discriminate based on race, creed, or religion...but if you tell me you like Donald Trump or Sarah Palin or even use the word tea or party in the same sentence (unless you are a girl under 7), keep it moving. And it's not an Obama thing either, I was this  *holds fingers close* this close to voting for Hillary in the primaries, I just don't want to be hanging out with a self-righteous republican."

I check my messages over the weekend and this is what I get from this chubby, short-ass (love me a tall man) 33 year old white guy from St. Mary's whose screen name is Mudlover77 (Mudlover??? Does that mean you like doing it in the butt??)
 "It's Really Frustrating that blacks vote for the party that has worked so hard to destroy the black family. I thought we could get along til that point. If you want a government that kills jobs keep voting left." 
Mudlover....Is that  you?
WTF?? I thought this was a dating site since when did Fox News start editing  POF?  My response was:

"I have a great job. I also think opinions are lot like assholes, we all have one and yours kinda stinks....good thing I don't care about your ass huh?  I'm gonna be so lost in the world knowing you don't approve of my personal political decisions. It's not the taxes I abhor, it's how they crush the little guy to make a buck. This is a dating website, if you want to spout off your political opinion, get a blog, or a life for that matter. Good luck in your search!"  
Get along??? Like I care? What the hell is wrong with people? It's a dating site, if you don't like what I have to say, just keep it moving dickhead.  He isn't the guy for me anyway, he obviously doesn't know how to follow directions. Next!!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

You Know You Had Too Much to Drink Last Night When...

You wake up with your hair all over your head through no one's fault other than your own and a bed full of Dorito crumbs.

Just sayin'.

Friday, June 24, 2011

I'll Be Damned, I Ain't Going Out Like That

Above is a video of a 10 year old jackass going off on his mom.  He apparently felt disrespected and actually slapped her when he felt she wasn't listening. Do you know what this little fucker had the nerve to ask her after he slapped the shit out his Momma?  "How does that feel!!!???" What-in the-fuck???  Now I know mom was on national TV so she couldn't have DDT'ed him in front of 40 million viewers. That being said, ain't nan nutta nan way in hell one of my kids would have gotten away with that.  All I would have said after that is, "Where is my baby powder? (links were added to assist those who don't understand my "urban" references.)

Ezekiel 25:17

If I was sitting with President Obama, the First Lady, his daughters, and their dog Bo, I would have snatched off that microphone, grabbed him up and struck down upon him "with great vengeance and furious anger" with a punch to the chest. Then I'd follow up with shaking his ass like a fucking 2-liter.  He would have been cockeyed until after he graduated high school. Shit, my grandbabies would have been cockeyed.  And that was only in the presence of The Head of State.  After I got home, I would have literally slapped that boy every 2.5 minutes for the rest of his life asking him, " How does that feel, you little fucker??" I would strategically go through his belongings and take everything I ever bought him and give it to some other kid and then go to the thrift store by him two outfits that don't match and are two sizes too small. I'd make him wear that shit to school every day so other kids can slap the shit out of him too.

Now, I didn't see the full episode and I know some of you bleeding hearts are like he probably has some deep seeded issues.  Well my kids know what it is like to not really see their dad, been through tough separations, death, poverty, lived in the hood, have ADHD, allergies, and asthma. Hell, my son could barely talk until he was 3. I'd still be DAMNED if one of them ever raise their hand to hit me.  Ever.  I ain't going out like that.

What the hell is wrong with parents? What the hell is wrong with society now that we feel guilty to tear that ass up when it's obviously necessary? Too many moms have been chided for scolding their children in the grocery store and now no one wants to deal with their kids in public.  While I am not the mom who smacks her kid in the mouth for touching a candy bar in the checkout line; I AM that mom who will trip a kid (mine or or anyone else's for that matter) for running down the aisle of the frozen food section screaming I want Toaster Strudel. 

There is a fine line here and I believe I am on right side.  All you soft ass parents come join me. Think about it, all these bad ass kids are going to be the ones wiping our asses in another 50 or 60 years. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Get Yo Drank on to Get Yo Freak On...

I recently read an article that said 1 in 20 women has NEVER had sex sober because of body confidence issues.

Read more:

What??? Never???  Now I have had some drunken sexual experiences and they can be quite fun. It does relax you some if you are nervous, and definitely tends to lead to lesser inhibitions; but to be intoxicated every time you have sex? Sometimes fucking while drunk (from this point referred to as F.W.D.) can be a little too much though. All that hopping around, bouncing, shaking, rocking, biting, and choking (too much???) with a belly full of vomit mix isn't always a good thing. I just wonder if you have to rile yourself up and psych yourself out to do it, doesn't that mean you probably shouldn’t be doing it? Is the alcohol just shutting up that little bitch inside our head? I know on most days I want to wrap her up in duct tape and throw her in a shallow grave. But that bitch is in there for a reason right?

The article also explains that women F.W.D. to suppress body confidence issues. I mean if the guy is in bed with you and his penis is erect, doesn't that mean he is attracted to you or at least your nether-regions?  And what happened to dimming the lights?  Why you gotta get shit-faced? If anything, get him shit-faced. Doesn't that make more sense?  Most importantly, how is a woman going to let someone else's view of her control what she sees in the mirror? What did Kat Williams say? "BITCH it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU ? ...Simple Bitch!" 

All I know is that I may not look like a model, I may have wrinkles that aren't even on my face, and I may have a stretch mark or 7, but GOT DAMMIT, I am sexy and no one can tell me that I'm not. There is something about the female form that everyone can appreciate. While some like women smaller some like them larger, if you have tits, an ass, and something to put a dick in, there is a man out there for you!  Find the right man instead of finding the right combination of courage and alcohol. Men love confidence (as long as your head can still fit in the door) and if you are so self conscious put the damn drink down and pick up some weights or do a sit up!

I have to admit, I am what you would call sexually liberated. I like all kinds of sex all times of day, especially in the morning. I can't be getting all intoxicated before work or right before I take my kids to daycare. I'd rather go to work panting, with a slight limp, and matted hair than breathing the smell of Crown Royal in a co-worker's face. So before you F.W.D. think about what the hell you are doing and why you are doing it. If it is to cover up some reality or make you feel like a porn star, then maybe you should see a therapist, or even simpler, just join a gym, and watch a couple of pornos.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bouncing on Tables and Right Off the Tip of My Foot After I Kick You in The Ass

One of my oldest friends Zach has a new girlfriend, Misty. She has two kids Devon and Danika.  They are great kids and close in age to my youngest two, Julian (age 7) and Jazlyn (age 6).  Needless to say we have lots of play dates where the kids bounce off the walls and she and I spend a lot of time gossiping. 

The other day, while Misty and I were upstairs talking, the kids were out in the backyard pouncing and bouncing on something that sounded like it wasn't about to survive their merrymaking. Irritated that I had to stop discussing the intricacies of good oral sex and how we decide who has to sleep on the wet spot; and just being the type of parent that I am, I stick my head out of my bedroom window and say, " If you don't stop it RIGHT NOW, I am going to snap your arms off and beat you with them!!"

Devon and Danika look up at me mortified.  My little heathens, who probably inspired the entire jump fest, begin to slowly back away from the teeny tiny fisher price table they were jumping up and down on.  My kids knew I meant business, to get the fuck off the thing before they broke it, or worse broke the ledge my last nerve was hanging on.  They know if they have pissed me off to the point I am actually leaving my conversation, going downstairs, out into the hot ass backyard, then it is alllll bad. They did not want me to show my crazy face to their new friends.

Most people who know me know that I would never actually hit my kids with their own arms. Hell, I could go to jail for that. Now, with a shoe or a toy I just stepped on….. Maybe. But it's rare I spank my kids. I must've done a really good job once scaring the shit out of them when they were little. I got so worked up by this smackdown, that I guess I blocked the memory out. The point is, they remember. They know the millisecond I show that don't fuck with me or imma punch you in the throat look, they take it down a notch.

So then, Devon looks over at my son, Julian, and asks after a loud gulp, "She's gonna rip our arms off ???" Julian says, "Nah, Devon, she won't. Don't worry, she always tells us she is going to poke us in the eye or whatever. She once told me if I spill my food in the backseat of her Jeep, she'd set me ablaze. Did you hear me??? She said she would set me on fire man!!! But don't worry, she always forgets."

At least they know me as well as I know them. This way, there are no surprises.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Just a little about myself....

Never blogged, ever. However, I happen to be what I call a chain-thinker... I can start off thinking about one thing as simple as mayonnaise and then end up thinking about chicken farms.  It's a simple leap honestly. Mayo makes me think of sandwiches, I had a really good chicken salad sandwich the other day, then I remembered how hot it is outside and sometimes how it's too hot to eat things with mayo on them, then to how those poor chickens would feel in such heat... and there you have it.... I arrived at chicken farms...

My point  is that now I have a place to put all these random thoughts, chain or otherwise.  I hope you enjoy.