Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bouncing on Tables and Right Off the Tip of My Foot After I Kick You in The Ass

One of my oldest friends Zach has a new girlfriend, Misty. She has two kids Devon and Danika.  They are great kids and close in age to my youngest two, Julian (age 7) and Jazlyn (age 6).  Needless to say we have lots of play dates where the kids bounce off the walls and she and I spend a lot of time gossiping. 

The other day, while Misty and I were upstairs talking, the kids were out in the backyard pouncing and bouncing on something that sounded like it wasn't about to survive their merrymaking. Irritated that I had to stop discussing the intricacies of good oral sex and how we decide who has to sleep on the wet spot; and just being the type of parent that I am, I stick my head out of my bedroom window and say, " If you don't stop it RIGHT NOW, I am going to snap your arms off and beat you with them!!"

Devon and Danika look up at me mortified.  My little heathens, who probably inspired the entire jump fest, begin to slowly back away from the teeny tiny fisher price table they were jumping up and down on.  My kids knew I meant business, to get the fuck off the thing before they broke it, or worse broke the ledge my last nerve was hanging on.  They know if they have pissed me off to the point I am actually leaving my conversation, going downstairs, out into the hot ass backyard, then it is alllll bad. They did not want me to show my crazy face to their new friends.

Most people who know me know that I would never actually hit my kids with their own arms. Hell, I could go to jail for that. Now, with a shoe or a toy I just stepped on….. Maybe. But it's rare I spank my kids. I must've done a really good job once scaring the shit out of them when they were little. I got so worked up by this smackdown, that I guess I blocked the memory out. The point is, they remember. They know the millisecond I show that don't fuck with me or imma punch you in the throat look, they take it down a notch.

So then, Devon looks over at my son, Julian, and asks after a loud gulp, "She's gonna rip our arms off ???" Julian says, "Nah, Devon, she won't. Don't worry, she always tells us she is going to poke us in the eye or whatever. She once told me if I spill my food in the backseat of her Jeep, she'd set me ablaze. Did you hear me??? She said she would set me on fire man!!! But don't worry, she always forgets."

At least they know me as well as I know them. This way, there are no surprises.

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