Monday, April 15, 2013

I'm Fucking Amazing If You Didn't Know.... (Written July 2011)

But it doesn't get me shit.... I am no winner today, I have no chicken dinner...Think more along the lines of  Ramen noodles, and its shrimp because in this metaphor they were all out of chicken.

Yet another man was wooed by my charms, then realized he took a healthy bite and was only ready for a taste test.  I'm not kidding either, I am Grade A, Awesome. Not only do I do 99.9% of shit men like from a woman,  I enjoy it.  And most importantly I know how to act.

See, my mom taught me how to act like a lady.  I also have a few great male friends who have also taught me the do's and dont's over the past several years.  I have managed to mesh these life lessons together somehow. I have fucked up some good relationships and dealt with some relationships I should have walked away from after hello. So don't fret, you can be awesome too. It took me awhile to master this craft.

My mom taught me to keep my legs closed.  My male friends told me keeping them closed is great but every now and then I gotta let the right guy oil the gate so it doesn't rust shut. Key word here is right guy, not every guy.
My mom taught me to say what I mean and mean what I say. I generally follow this rule. My male friends have added to it however. So I also know when to shut the fuck up. This is a priceless tool. Most women don't realize this is a metaphorical tool. It is not available at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and duct tape doesn't work. Many men have tried.  It can be considered assault depending on how much skin you rip off while removing it.  It's not worth it.  I just close my mouth and stop talking.

My mom also taught me not to take any shit.  Just because I am easy going doesn't mean I don't have a backbone. Talk crazy get told exactly what I think about your penis and find out about all the times when you were talking about the subtle differences between Captain America and all his Superfriends that I wasn't listening. If you put your hands on me, don't eat, don't sleep, and most of all don't ask for forgiveness...As a matter of fact, just run the other way very, very fast. My male friends taught me somethings are just Unforgiveable.
Yeah that's right...I'm a sweetheart but touch me and I'll Steven Seagal your shit.
The problem is with all these tools, I'm still empty handed.  I didn't win this time.  Someone else acts a fool, cries until they get what they want and I am the one empty handed. I'm at home masterbating and they get to eat a chicken dinner.   As I have said, I know I am not perfect. But if one more person tells me how amazing I am then abruptly drops me like bad habit, I may scream.  A female friend of mine told me I am too cool and homie-like and this may deter men from developing strong feelings for me... she said they look at me like "just one of the guys." Shit, even in that 80's movie, that chick got her man.

Should I just go around flashing my boobs?? Look at me I am cool as hell and I have tits!!

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