Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's Too Damn Hot for All That....

So we got what we were asking for here in Ohio.  Generally, it stays frigid here until the end of March so people were on their knees praying to Baby Jesus asking him for relief from the snow and ice...Well are you happy now?? Fuckers??? I'm sweating like Mel Gibson at a Bat Mitzvah! The heat index at noon was 115 degrees. Which is a combination of the actual temp combined with Satan's toe jam, sweat of 49 fat bitches, Sherman Clump, and the humidity.  Needless to say it's fucking HOT. 

With that being said, I have seen some things recently that need to stop. 

1. Uggs and Shorts:  Bitch, are you serious?  Anything with fur on them are a no-go. Just stop it, wait until Fall and pull them fucking ugly ass boots back out of your closet. 

Let me clarify.....Men this includes you:  No fucking boots PERIOD. White people, hate us if you must, but keep those damn Nazi combat boots put away this week. Niggas and my nillas, no Tims..... nothing. Keep that shit in your damn closet.  The weight of the boots combined with the sweat will make your feet swell up faster than Kim Kardashian's lips after botox. 

Timbo Toe...Stay out the Tims fellas!
2.  Shave or wax your snatch before you go to the pool.  "Oh My God, I think I found Steve Harvey's toupee!"  Nope, that's just someone's hairy box... and thigh...Ew.

Fellas, again this includes you. Just because you don't worry about your thigh hair, you may want to take care of your hairy ass back before you go hoop down at the park...You go to make a layup and your Sasquatch ass back hair whipping dudes in the face... Not cool, man. Not cool.

3. The sun intensifies the effect of alcohol.  I repeat, sun intensifies the effect of alcohol. So take it easy Betty Ford....a few beers are just fine.  Now, 5 beers, 3 shots, and some Kahlua between the hours of 2-5pm? Not a good mix...Well, actually that is great vomit mix.  And usually a good way to act like an asshole at your grandma's 90'th birthday party this Saturday.  You don't want to wake up in the yard at 11 pm wondering where your day went.   No one is telling you not to drink just find some shade or do that shit from your couch. Save yourself the embarrassment and the people around you from having to watch you trying to dance with your Grandma to Khia's My Neck, My Back. Not a good look.

This is you on alcohol when it's 4 million degrees out.
Just use some common sense.  It's hot dammit. Every time I walk outside I feel like I'm fighting with two squirrels in a wool sock over one fucking nut.  If you aren't sure if what you are doing is asinine, ask a friend, if you're friends lead you astray...drop em like they're hot.  With this weather, should be pretty easy.

1 comment:

  1. What you don't like a good hairy back? lol The bitches in fur boots I have seen all week too. I even saw some girl in shorts and pink arm camo cowgirl boots. What the fuck is that???

    Liz :)