Friday, September 30, 2011

Don't Let Me Go Out Like That!

I was watching a TV show the other day where this chick died and her family had to go to her house and get rid of some of her things that they didn't want the police to find during the investigation of her death. This chick was messed up so they were hiding her stash of Meth and cleaning out rancid food out of the fridge. But it left the question, what would people have to hide if I died? What would I not want my parents, my kids, or the police to find in my house before my funeral?

I have complied a list of things that in the off chance something happens to me, those who love me know what to get before it all goes down:

Yes, it's just as fun as it looks!
 1. Please get my personal toy arsenal.  I dont' really use them that much anymore but they have sentimental value to me.  I still don't want the police to find my 8" medical grade silicone strap-on, 4 silver bullets (Hey, a girl can never have to many battery operated boyfriends), dongs, whips, blindfolds, or "costumes." They would automatically assume I was involved in some undercover prostitution ring and immediately head off in the wrong direction during the investigation of my murder.

2.  Someone please go through my cell phone and delete all sexually suggestive text messages and nude photos.  I am sure you are going to be surprised at my flexibility and the way I use phrases like, "let's engage in cunnilingus",  and make them sound sexy...but please resist the urge to forward them to yourself for posterity and just delete the shit.

3. Please for the love of God, get the snacks out of the drawer beside my bed. I have honey buns, lbs of candy, and I think there is even an old piece of chocolate cake in there. I don't want people to think I'm a fatty. I don't eat it all in one night most days, I just like my favorite things close to me.

3. Get my "tray" and "cigars." Nuff Said.

4. Most importantly, get my journal. Not because I have deep thoughts or secrets that I don't want to share. As you can see, sharing my thoughts comes naturally. It does however, have a lot of shit in there where I talk about other people. A lot.  So whoever gets it, you better have thick skin and know that I love you. That's why I didn't tell you I think that you are stupid. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.