Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resolutions, Smesolutions

I get it. It's a new year. Time to start anew, relfect, refresh, revive. Time to let go of the old and embrace the new.   Why don't people do this on their birthday? Is it not your own personal anniversary? Why not every Martin Luther King Jr. day?  Did he not encourage self reflection and change? Why is it that some people go on this "New Year, New Me" kick every single fucking year only for 99% of them to be right back where they started?

"Man, you know it's MLK day, I need to make some changes in my life." --Seems strange doesn't it?
Why don't you stop eating 2 Big Macs a sitting because that shit isn't good for you?  Why don't you stop fucking every dude you meet because HIV is real?  Why don't you treat your kids better because they deserve it?  I just don't get it.
Ok, maybe if you are doing shit like this, you need to make changes TODAY, like right-fucking-now.
 This time of year, all I want is to be with the people I love most and enjoy the shit out of the time I spend with them. I want to smile in their faces until mine falls off.  All I am saying is that 2012 better get ready for me.  Because I'm going to be the same cool, silly, hard-working, honest, loving person I've been all year long.  If I chose to change something about my appearance, lifestyle, or attitude, I will make sure that it is beacuse it needs to happen, not because I had to buy a new calendar.Have a happy fucking new year everyone.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Things My Kids Took From Me and I Will Most Likely Never Get Back.


1.    My Carpet
If I put a tarp the size of Paul Brown Stadium under the dinnertable, painting center, Play-Dough fun area, they still manage to get shit ev-er-ry-where.  It literally feels sticky in some places and no carpet cleaner commercial or otherwise can save me.  Sad part is that 50% of the stains probably contain DNA. 
 7 year old girls and nail polish. DON"T DO IT!

2.       My 12 Year Old Dogs Mental Health

Someone tell me why after my kids were born we had to put the damn dog on anti-depressants.   She started losing her hair in patches. We actually started going grey simultaneously. They pulled her tail and tried to ride her even though she only weighed 9 lbs. They also like put devil ears on her for Halloween. She kept ramming her head into the wall in an attempt to get them off and my kids suggested we glue the damn ears on. Gah.


3.       Over 1,000 Morning Nuts

No matter how late I keep my kids up, they wake up at the ass-crack of dawn.  I put them to sleep at 5:45AM once only for them to wake up at 7:00AM asking if they can ride bikes. It was 12 degrees out.  And when I am trying to get my early morning lovin' in, it never seems to fail that they bang on the door asking if they have school on Saturday morning. Look at the fucking calendar! 

4.       My Couth

Now I know when you are delivering your baby the doctors attempt to maintain your dignity when they really took it the moment you checked-in.  You have your vaj on full display in front of total strangers.  But also it’s your ass. And not just the cheeks either….. The hole, hemorrhoids, and all. You think that would be enough. But no the kids keep on taking…. I used to look at women screaming in the store, slamming on breaks and doing a down the row slap in the back seat, and the ones who just seemed to “snap off” for no apparent reason. Well let’s just say, I am that lady now and I can get the back seat row slap in before the final kid has time to flinch… and I double-dare a passerby to say a damn thing.  
Don't you fuckin wish....

5.   My Ability to Give a Shit
You fell and scratched your knee??? Awww…. Are you dying? Do you need a blood transfusion? Get a Band-Aid and get lost. And if we don’t have Band-Aids you better get your ass some tape and toilet paper and leave me alone. Dexter is on the TV and for the next hour, I have nothing to say unless you need a ride to the hospital. Shhhhh! X-rays can wait.  
I also very often charge a gulp tax on any child who asks me to open their Capri-Sun, even though it only has 2 gulps in it.  Don’t care. Learn to open that shit yourself. I have stabbed myself over 200 times in the finger with a yellow straw; I’m taking a fucking drink dammit.  

I know baby, they won't shut up. You have room on your boat for 3 more?