Sunday, April 21, 2013

Don't Be That Bitch

Have you ever said,  " I want a baby, they are just sooo cute!" Have you ever thought to yourself, "If I have a baby with him, he will never leave me." Ever whispered to a friend, " I just want someone who will love me unconditionally."  If so, raise your hand. Yes, I know I can't see you. Just go on... Raise it.  Hold it there.  Now hit yourself with it about the face and neck until you are unconscious. Then pick yourself up off the floor and if it's not too late, look in the mirror and say, "Don't be that bitch."

Now, I know some of us have children that we didn't exactly plan for.  That happens. It has happened to me.  However, if you have a child via a conscious decision for any of the above reasons, you get what you deserve. These could be including but not limited to,  a life of fecal matter, exhaustion, poverty, saggy titties, and the anxiety level of Howard Hughes, talkin' about, " Show me the blueprints." 

Most babies are cute.  Some babies are not.  Just having one because it could be cute, could result in the  epic failure of your lifetime.  You could end up with a baby that is a cross between a Proboscis Monkey and Lyle Lovett. 

How you know if you have an ugly child:

1. If when someone looks at your baby and their eyebrows recede up into their hairline.

2. If no one you have ever met has told you that your child is cute, but rather, "Aww, look they are so small." (Insert any other adjective other than something synonymous with cute here)

3. If when you have professional photos taken the photographer says, "Let see what we can work out here."

Now, if you are stupid enough to ever think a baby would keep a man, then you are the saddest bitch I've ever met.  While there are some noble men who would stay with you, they are doing it under duress.

Definition for the sad, stupid bitches:

1. Constraint by threat; coercion: confessed under duress.
2. Law
a. Coercion illegally applied.
b. Forcible confinement.

If you need to get it like that, you have way more problems than I can help you with today.  Call a psychoanalyst, NOW.  Also the fact remains that nobility and feeling required to handle paternal responsibilities, are notions long gone in today's society. When is the last time you went to a shotgun wedding?

Let's see how long he stays when he wasn't that into you anyway. The moment you can no longer go out with him and are the size of Rosie O'Donnel, a percentage of men will flee. They will run faster than Kim Kardashian to a liposuction clinic the day after she has her baby.  Odds are, you will end up alone and in some welfare line. But go on 'head, poke a hole in the condom or forget to take your pill. Just don't ask me to babysit or for a loan until the 1st. 

As I am sure some of you already know, the one that bothers me the most is when people have children for unconditional love.  Yeah my kids love me. But they are the most selfish assholes I have ever met.  They only love me when I give them what they want. They never love me when it is bedtime or I have to take away an iPod. If they knew I wouldn't rip off their limbs and proceed to beat them with their own bleeding flesh for calling me one, I am sure they would call me a bitch and spit on me for taking it.  Kids are dicks.  I could be crying my eyes out and one of them would point out a giant pimple on my chin. They don't give a shit.

Even at the infant stage of development, babies don't love you unconditionally. If they did, they would sleep all night and feed themselves.  Kids take. Period.  They rarely give unless it is a hug or a virus from some fucking snotty kid at school.  I love my children, because I carried them for 40 weeks and then pushed them out of a small hole between my legs that has never been so small since.  And if you ever want to be reminded, just check out all this unconditional love from child to mom in my earlier blog post, I'll Be Damned, I Ain't Going Out Like That.

Monday, April 15, 2013

I'm Fucking Amazing If You Didn't Know.... (Written July 2011)

But it doesn't get me shit.... I am no winner today, I have no chicken dinner...Think more along the lines of  Ramen noodles, and its shrimp because in this metaphor they were all out of chicken.

Yet another man was wooed by my charms, then realized he took a healthy bite and was only ready for a taste test.  I'm not kidding either, I am Grade A, Awesome. Not only do I do 99.9% of shit men like from a woman,  I enjoy it.  And most importantly I know how to act.

See, my mom taught me how to act like a lady.  I also have a few great male friends who have also taught me the do's and dont's over the past several years.  I have managed to mesh these life lessons together somehow. I have fucked up some good relationships and dealt with some relationships I should have walked away from after hello. So don't fret, you can be awesome too. It took me awhile to master this craft.

My mom taught me to keep my legs closed.  My male friends told me keeping them closed is great but every now and then I gotta let the right guy oil the gate so it doesn't rust shut. Key word here is right guy, not every guy.
My mom taught me to say what I mean and mean what I say. I generally follow this rule. My male friends have added to it however. So I also know when to shut the fuck up. This is a priceless tool. Most women don't realize this is a metaphorical tool. It is not available at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and duct tape doesn't work. Many men have tried.  It can be considered assault depending on how much skin you rip off while removing it.  It's not worth it.  I just close my mouth and stop talking.

My mom also taught me not to take any shit.  Just because I am easy going doesn't mean I don't have a backbone. Talk crazy get told exactly what I think about your penis and find out about all the times when you were talking about the subtle differences between Captain America and all his Superfriends that I wasn't listening. If you put your hands on me, don't eat, don't sleep, and most of all don't ask for forgiveness...As a matter of fact, just run the other way very, very fast. My male friends taught me somethings are just Unforgiveable.
Yeah that's right...I'm a sweetheart but touch me and I'll Steven Seagal your shit.
The problem is with all these tools, I'm still empty handed.  I didn't win this time.  Someone else acts a fool, cries until they get what they want and I am the one empty handed. I'm at home masterbating and they get to eat a chicken dinner.   As I have said, I know I am not perfect. But if one more person tells me how amazing I am then abruptly drops me like bad habit, I may scream.  A female friend of mine told me I am too cool and homie-like and this may deter men from developing strong feelings for me... she said they look at me like "just one of the guys." Shit, even in that 80's movie, that chick got her man.

Should I just go around flashing my boobs?? Look at me I am cool as hell and I have tits!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

First Date Jitters

Today, I have a date for the first time in a long time. It's an actual date too. This is not a request to come over after everyone is asleep and "watch a movie." Which as most of us know, is codeword for let me have sex with you and cum on your chest/back.
Moments away from a money shot

Tonight, there will be food, intellectual conversation, and hand holding if I'm lucky. 

I'm excited and scared at the same time. The fear has my stomach doing some crazy things. Not like butterflies. More like nervous gas. I'm a nervous farter, what can I say?

I'm excited for the obvious reasons: Meeting someone new and handsome, potential companionship, and just to hear someone tell me that I'm pretty. I would like said hand holding to morph into a long passionate kiss by the end of the night. I watch a lot of movies, so this is what I expect to happen, but in my experience, never does.

Thus, the fear. Which is like 30 billion fold, but here are a few:

1. I don't want to have a shitty time. This is sometimes easier said than done, and can even be        adversely affected by outside forces.  Video: WORST FIRST DATE EVER
2.  Don't want him to have a shitty time. Literally. Remember, I'm gassy.
3. I need to remember to act like a lady, and no matter how much I like him, I cannot touch his penis.
4.  There's always that voice in the back of your head that reminds you to pray he's not this generations American Psycho.

I'm sure he's not. I'm sure I'll have a better time than if I were at home surrounded by hoards of small children. So at the least just send out good vibes and hope I don't Dutch Oven him in the car on the way to our destination.