Sunday, April 21, 2013

Don't Be That Bitch

Have you ever said,  " I want a baby, they are just sooo cute!" Have you ever thought to yourself, "If I have a baby with him, he will never leave me." Ever whispered to a friend, " I just want someone who will love me unconditionally."  If so, raise your hand. Yes, I know I can't see you. Just go on... Raise it.  Hold it there.  Now hit yourself with it about the face and neck until you are unconscious. Then pick yourself up off the floor and if it's not too late, look in the mirror and say, "Don't be that bitch."

Now, I know some of us have children that we didn't exactly plan for.  That happens. It has happened to me.  However, if you have a child via a conscious decision for any of the above reasons, you get what you deserve. These could be including but not limited to,  a life of fecal matter, exhaustion, poverty, saggy titties, and the anxiety level of Howard Hughes, talkin' about, " Show me the blueprints." 

Most babies are cute.  Some babies are not.  Just having one because it could be cute, could result in the  epic failure of your lifetime.  You could end up with a baby that is a cross between a Proboscis Monkey and Lyle Lovett. 

How you know if you have an ugly child:

1. If when someone looks at your baby and their eyebrows recede up into their hairline.

2. If no one you have ever met has told you that your child is cute, but rather, "Aww, look they are so small." (Insert any other adjective other than something synonymous with cute here)

3. If when you have professional photos taken the photographer says, "Let see what we can work out here."

Now, if you are stupid enough to ever think a baby would keep a man, then you are the saddest bitch I've ever met.  While there are some noble men who would stay with you, they are doing it under duress.

Definition for the sad, stupid bitches:

1. Constraint by threat; coercion: confessed under duress.
2. Law
a. Coercion illegally applied.
b. Forcible confinement.

If you need to get it like that, you have way more problems than I can help you with today.  Call a psychoanalyst, NOW.  Also the fact remains that nobility and feeling required to handle paternal responsibilities, are notions long gone in today's society. When is the last time you went to a shotgun wedding?

Let's see how long he stays when he wasn't that into you anyway. The moment you can no longer go out with him and are the size of Rosie O'Donnel, a percentage of men will flee. They will run faster than Kim Kardashian to a liposuction clinic the day after she has her baby.  Odds are, you will end up alone and in some welfare line. But go on 'head, poke a hole in the condom or forget to take your pill. Just don't ask me to babysit or for a loan until the 1st. 

As I am sure some of you already know, the one that bothers me the most is when people have children for unconditional love.  Yeah my kids love me. But they are the most selfish assholes I have ever met.  They only love me when I give them what they want. They never love me when it is bedtime or I have to take away an iPod. If they knew I wouldn't rip off their limbs and proceed to beat them with their own bleeding flesh for calling me one, I am sure they would call me a bitch and spit on me for taking it.  Kids are dicks.  I could be crying my eyes out and one of them would point out a giant pimple on my chin. They don't give a shit.

Even at the infant stage of development, babies don't love you unconditionally. If they did, they would sleep all night and feed themselves.  Kids take. Period.  They rarely give unless it is a hug or a virus from some fucking snotty kid at school.  I love my children, because I carried them for 40 weeks and then pushed them out of a small hole between my legs that has never been so small since.  And if you ever want to be reminded, just check out all this unconditional love from child to mom in my earlier blog post, I'll Be Damned, I Ain't Going Out Like That.

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