Sunday, April 14, 2013

First Date Jitters

Today, I have a date for the first time in a long time. It's an actual date too. This is not a request to come over after everyone is asleep and "watch a movie." Which as most of us know, is codeword for let me have sex with you and cum on your chest/back.
Moments away from a money shot

Tonight, there will be food, intellectual conversation, and hand holding if I'm lucky. 

I'm excited and scared at the same time. The fear has my stomach doing some crazy things. Not like butterflies. More like nervous gas. I'm a nervous farter, what can I say?

I'm excited for the obvious reasons: Meeting someone new and handsome, potential companionship, and just to hear someone tell me that I'm pretty. I would like said hand holding to morph into a long passionate kiss by the end of the night. I watch a lot of movies, so this is what I expect to happen, but in my experience, never does.

Thus, the fear. Which is like 30 billion fold, but here are a few:

1. I don't want to have a shitty time. This is sometimes easier said than done, and can even be        adversely affected by outside forces.  Video: WORST FIRST DATE EVER
2.  Don't want him to have a shitty time. Literally. Remember, I'm gassy.
3. I need to remember to act like a lady, and no matter how much I like him, I cannot touch his penis.
4.  There's always that voice in the back of your head that reminds you to pray he's not this generations American Psycho.

I'm sure he's not. I'm sure I'll have a better time than if I were at home surrounded by hoards of small children. So at the least just send out good vibes and hope I don't Dutch Oven him in the car on the way to our destination.


  1. He's not a keeper if you can't Dutch oven him on the first date.

    1. Thought that was more 3rd date friendly, but if there is another first date in my future, I'll keep that in mind.

  2. Still worried about number four? *Creeper face*