Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Things You Do on Facebook Make Me Want to Go Incredible Hulk on Your Face

1.  If I have to hear about your shitty relationship(s) one more time, I'm gonna lose it. Maybe the first couple of times the shit is entertainment.  But, after two years of you being in a relationship, out of one, on team single, it just makes me want to throw my hot popcorn at your face and ask for a refund.

2. There is nothing wrong with you making a few extra bucks. That being said, stop trying to shove your Advocare, Thirty-One, Scentcy, and Pre-Paid Legal shit to me every time I scroll through my news feed. I'm all for getting healthy and entrepreneurship, but posting 15 times a day about your 3 lb. weight loss after 3 weeks and why this correlates to me buying Advocare, makes me think you have borderline intelligence. 
Only 3 more days of my 24-day challenge!
3. While we've all been guilty of being negative ninnies on occasion, all you negative sons of bitches can suck a huge cock. It'll keep your mouth full, which won't likely stop you from typing bullshit.  However, you might choke on it, fall, hit your head, and damage a part of the brain that controls your fingers so you can never type again. If you are smart enough to download some voice-to-text deal, you will at least have a reason to be bitter.

4. If Facebook had a caste system, all you attention whores would be untouchables. "I just want to die, don't call or text." Really?? Then why did you post that shit? Were you not begging for a link to the suicide prevention "chat now" feature? Did you really post a fucking picture of you crying in the mirror? Do you not have real life friends? A Momma? Somebody?
Real life friends, heard of 'em?
5.  I almost put these folks with attention whores, but hell, I call 'em like I see 'em. Plain old whores.  You look desperate. The only person you are attracting is your future stalker. I personally do not need a daily picture of your titties. I would like to point out, there is nothing wrong with occasional titties. Everyone likes titties, right??

6. Enunciate, use your vowels.  (dis shyt mks no cent$). You sound like you, yo Momma, and your 14 illegitimate brothers and sisters didn't graduate 8th grade."If ya look up on aisle 6..."

7.   We all want you to be inspired, but damn, can you fuckin' cool it on the inspirational memes?  We know you're in a dark place, but you're making me feel too much.

8. This isn't your damn diary. The only people who really care about your inner turmoil and strife are your real life fiends. Text them.

If you do these things on a regular basis, I want to grow huge muscles until my enormous body rips my clothes and just leaves these dangly fringy looking shorts.  I then want to squeeze my ripped abs in a vehicle, find you, and bash your preferred electronic device with a rock.
I'm on my way fuckers. Hide yo shit.