Thursday, November 21, 2013

Seriously, Stop that Shit.

Everyone who knows me, knows I adore my children.  I gave birth to three and have three others that I have loved and raised up from practically the beginning.  Their ages range between one year old fraternal twins to a 19 year old boy-man-child hybrid. Their cunning and ability to drive me insane is like living in a 24 hour a day cartoon. They are The Road Runner and I'm Foghorn Leghorn.

"I say...I say boy!!"

Did you know that over 25% of homicides are committed by people the victim knew?  Yeah, they take me there. I haven't broken any laws just yet, but those little assholes tempt me. They make me want to dig holes in my backyard, take a picture, and then tape it to their bathroom mirror as a daily reminder that parents have been known to snap. That being said, they are making me start to think orange might just be the new black.

Conversations I have had that make me think a confined space, shitty food,  communal showers, semi-public defecation, and unwanted lesbian sexual encounters would be highly tolerable.

 Shit my kids do that make me want to lose my muther fucking mind:

1. Eat
Seriously, do you have to dump the entire damn taco out because you didn’t want tomatoes? Tomatoes are fucking delicious. Do you not have a clue how annoying it is when I'm ordering food at a drive thru and you shout "no pickles" over and over from the backseat? How about you shut the hell up until you have $1 for your own fucking burger? Do you have any idea how hard it is to remember important shit like oil changes and where the fuck I put my cellphone when I have 6 kids, let alone your specific diet choices for the week? I wonder how hard it must be to eat rice with a spoon and not get that shit everywhere. Small Asian children eat with two sticks better than you can with that thing. Why can't you just sit there and eat and not have the dire need to go to the bathroom 6 times? I know you’re just filling your mouth up with food and spitting it in the toilet! You suck at being sneaky, not to mention, you always forget to flush.

2.  Walk in the bathroom
FYI, that little lever on the side of the thing you shit in, sends all the shit to a place where Mommy never has to see it again. Must you flat iron your hair everyday and let the remnants of your lifeless hair clog up my sink? Did you know if you put the lid on toothpaste it doesn't get crunchy at the opening and you don't feel obliged to throw it away because it's, "gross"? Why do you always have to shit before I have to go in there and take a shower? Heat,  humidity, and shit don’t mix. Also please, please explain to me why can't you remember your own damn towel BEFORE you get in the shower?

3. Ask for shit
No, your friend who you argue with every-single-fucking-time they come over can not stay the night. No, I will not get you a flat screen TV, cell phone, and a laptop for Christmas. I don't care, tell your Grandma. No, I will not buy you another pair of shoes because you lost one of them. I have no fucking idea why the sky is blue. Yes, George Washington was real.  No, I will not tell you the answer to 10 x10. It's your fucking homework. Google that shit. Be resourceful. Do you seriously expect me to pick up all your friends, take you to the mall so they can help you pick out one shirt, leave, come back, then take them all home, and then take you back to the mall to exchange it because you and your friends have shitty taste? Do you even know me?

4. Breathe
Hold your breath. I don't care. You will just pass out and wake up in a more calm and relaxed state of mind. Why can't you chew gum and breathe through your nose simultaneously so I don't have to hear you tear that shit up like it's the last piece of fried chicken? How about you blow your fucking nose so I don't hear the snot shoot into the back of your throat every time you inhale. It’s just fucking gross.  Just so you know, the next time you snore until the point I can't sleep, I'm putting you in foster care.

5. Jump up and down on my last fucking nerve
I've known you since the moment you were born, don't act brand new. If you see me shed one sad solitary tear down my cheek over a pile of bills, don't ask me to take you skating. You see I am already on the edge. If you just heard half of a very colorful dialogue at the top of my lungs while on the phone, don't interrupt me to ask if you can use my phone to Oovoo your friends. If you are not an infant and I am sleeping and nothing is on fire or if it can be fixed with a Band-Aid, I swear fo' God, leave me alone.
"This ain't the mutha fucking time..."
6. Do dumb shit
You thought cutting your bangs was a good idea? Really? You wanted to look like some bitch on TV who pays people to cut her hair? You thought you were saving me money? Brilliant. I guess that means you don’t expect me to take you to the hairdresser to fix it. You left your $200 iPod in a vacation home in North Carolina and didn't remember until we hit the Virginia state line? Yeah, no problem...I'm suuuure the housekeepers will mail it to us. You think I'm going to drive to your school on my lunch hour to bring you the homework I asked you about this morning in the driveway?  Fuuuuck!!

Do you realize that your Mom is regularly operating on limited sleep, money, and scruples to make rational decisions when you are being really fucking annoying? You should. That knowledge could save me from grabbing you up and shaking you like you are addicted to twerking…

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