Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Another New Year's Eve Compilation List: Shit to be Happy About or Loathe. It's Up To You.

So it’s New Year’s Eve. Not only is it the time of year when people promise lie to themselves about all the changes they will make in the upcoming year, this is also the time of year when people compile lists. You know, lists of the best things the year had to offer. I’m sure MTV will have us believe they were the first to do it in 1984 when Jon Waite got #1 on MTV's Top 100 Countdown for “Missing You”, but I sincerely believe there were lists before that and there will be plenty more for years to come.  Our culture just loves lists, not just on New Years. Blogs all over the world want you to read: “Top 15 Celebrity Breakups,” “7 Reasons Your Man Might Be Cheating,” “24 Reasons She's a Slut.” We all click on them. Even virgins click on the “You Might be a Slut” link. It's entertaining and a way of validating ourselves and/or our behavior. Why not?

To get in the spirit, I thought I would compile a list of things you may have had or experienced in the past year to be grateful for and loathe simultaneously, or one at a time. Your choice. 

        1. Kids. Be happy you have them because you never have to find your own remote. You have progeny to trickle down your DNA through the ages and have a tiny version of yourself to take pride in and watch grow into an adult…or serial killer, whatever.  Maybe your kid will be a good serial killer like Dexter who only kills other serial killers. Sure, it's right on the borderline, but I think that’s still a thing to be proud of. But I digress. If you don’t have kids, you could be happy because you don’t know what a post-pregnancy body is (whether you'd have to endure your own or look at one while you do dirty things to it.) Either way even without post-pregnancy body your body may not be what it was in high school, but I bet your tits (or the tits you have to play with) don’t look like bean bag chairs that were bought 30 years ago that your grandma refuses to throw out. Plus, you get to shower daily…in warm water.  Be grateful. People with kids even though they beam with pride of the little people they made, still have the propensity to be miserable because kids are the reason the remote is probably missing in the first place, they never shut up...ever, have no clue what privacy is unless they want some, and would rather watch you exsanguinate than do the dishes or make their own sandwich.  
"If you don't cut my shit diagonal, I'm gonna get stabby."
       2. Job. Sure it's not what you thought you would be doing when you were a kid.  I am sure you had dreams of being a superhero or a traveling doctor in Third World countries or something noble. Still, you can be happy that you have one and that you aren’t considered the poorest of your friends. Maybe you take pride in your work and can afford a bottle of water after you pay your bills if you're one of the lucky ones. You can also be happy if you don’t have one because you don’t have to get up before Jesus on a Monday just to deal with other people’s problems.  You could also work and still be the poorest of your friends. Just imagine how that feels. Unemployment means you can do what you want.  You can stay home and watch entire seasons on Netflix in just one day...Naked. Those of us who are currently employed, no matter where we work, our  job is to deal with other peoples' shit.  McDonalds. Shit Sandwiches.  Medical field. Actual shit.  Legal field. Shitty marriages and shitty business decisions.  Server. Shitty tips. Teacher. Shitty know it all attitudes. Retail. Lazy shits who can’t figure out where the toothpaste is.   When employed you might be able to pay your bills, and get that bottle of water, but you still feel dirty and your nails are never clean from all the shit you deal with daily. 


See?  Jesus is still knocked and you are fighting traffic to get to the office by 8:30.
3. Relationship. Be grateful that you have someone to share all the good stuff with.   You essentially share all the time. Sharing is caring….Right? There’s fucking. That’s great. You share skin and copious amounts of bodily fluids. There are also hugs when you are sad, kisses for no reason (or to initiate fucking), and someone to share a meal with on Valentine’s Day. There is a person to pick you up from the airport and when you fall on hard luck and also share in your success. We all could use someone to love us for who we are and all our crap.  Let’s also be realistic and say that sharing is also gross and rude sometimes. Relationships also means your bath towel is always wet for some mysterious reason.  They mean conversations about what to eat for dinner while one of you is pooping with the bathroom door open. They include someone asking for you to share bites of your favorite food, even though you asked them if they wanted some before you made it and they said they weren't hungry.  Sharing is also getting sick every single fucking time your partner gets sick. Love is getting 17 colds, dysentery, and the stomach flu 3 times in 2014.

"If you cough on me one more time, I am going to smother you in your sleep and blame it on a NyQuil induced hysteria." 

I realize this list isn't all inclusive. But hell, this blog is not a Sandals Resort. I wrote this to remind some of you that when taking a look back tonight in a vodka induced haze, to appreciate what you see and maybe even laugh at it.  Even the things that seemed substandard could be acceptable if you just look at them differently. Hell, the things that seemed great, could appear lackluster to someone else. Stop looking at other peoples' grass.  Just worry about your own fucking grass in 2015.  Not the kind they grow in Colorado either. Your fucking life-grass. No seriously, not ganja. The metaphorical grass that grows if you just nurture it a bit and learn to appreciate it.  Just be happy. 


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